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i cried a lot and then we spooned

LJ things looks so different every time I come back to it. They keep changing it for the worst.
I was in the bathroom thinking about how happy I am and how I wanted to just share it with everyone. I remembered how I would always post my happy events on this things. Why I like to do that is beyond me but I really enjoy going back and reading them later. They always make me smile. So here we go.
I was thinking about how funny is was that Ben and I drove to AZ in January of 2004 and drove from AZ in November of 2006. It was as if those two years in between never existed. We erased them completely. He is the single most perfect thing in my life. It is almost nauseating to think how perfect we are together. It's not something I think about often because everything just comes so naturally with us. I mean really, it feels like we've always been married. I know no other life. And he's just perfect. I don't tell him that of course, I whine and throw tantrums and then he tells me to shut up but does everything I want anyway. I push his buttons until I get him really mad and then come baby him for an hour. It's disgustingly adorable to say the least. lol
We have a cute apartment that I'm dying to show my Mom. All of our furniture is from Ikea so I absolutely love it. Except for the TV stand, which he made and I think is amazing. We both work like two minutes away from where we live. We make more than we spend and are saving for the future. It is just a wonderful life. We complain about stupid things of course because there is always something to grip about like the stupid humidity or my boss, but the truth is we are perfectly happy. It is by far the most extraordinary feeling I have ever felt. I finally figured it out. You are happy when you don't have think about being happy, you don't think about it ever, until one day, you look in the mirror and think, wow, life is good. I am so blessed.
I called him as soon as I got off of work hoping he was getting off soon too. According to what he had told me he wouldn't be getting out for another two hours. Sure enough he was on his way to my place. He said he would race me there and I laughed because he works twice as far as I do. As I drove up to the apartment I noticed the light was on inside so I immediately started thinking about how wasteful that was and how could he forget to turn off the light. Something I must have picked up from the years of Daddy asking me, "Ya acavastes con la luz?" as he proceeded to turn it off. I love him. So I was thinking about the light being on and wondering how long it had been on as I checked the mail. I unlocked the door and as I walked in I noticed everything was different. Ben was standing in the kitchen wearing his green dress shirt and his black slacks. He looked nervous as I scanned the room. So many things filled my mind as I saw the dinning table displaying two lit candles a vase with red and white flowers and a red gift bag. Everything looked so neat and pretty. The kitchen bar was lined with so many lit candles as well as the window sill. The first thing out of my mouth was, "You cleaned" He makes fun of me for that now, "Yeah...and..." As if I overlooked everything and only noticed he cleaned. Our song by Hellogoodbye, "O it is love" was playing in the background. There was a fire burning in the fireplace. Anyway you get the picture, the place was romantic. I was so exicted my eyes got teary. I was nervous. I kept saying things like "wow" And "babe" over again. So finally he pointed out the LoveSac that I had overlooked. It's huge so I have no clue how I did that. I looked at it but I guess I just overlooked what it was. So I'm terribly excited and he tells me to open my present sitting on the table. I sit down and open the bag to find a tiny black box with the word Zales on it. I look up at him smiling, knowingly. He says, "Open it" So I do and there is a lot of wrapping paper. I lift it and there is more. I look back at him and warn him that it better not be "rocks in a box" He laughs as I realize that's exactly what it is. He tells me there is more so I futher investigate to find a tiny strip of paper that read, "i have one more box with a rock in it, i hope you will like that one better than this one" As I read and said "aww" He bent down on one knee. He took my hand and asked, "Will you marry me" And that ladies and gentle men, is how it is done. We proceeded to hug of course, exchange romantic thoughts too personal to write here. Then we had dinner. He had ordered take out from Johnny Carinos and we drank fake wine. lol I felt so grown up! It was delicious and perfect. After dinner was done and we were less nervous and more happy we made phone calls and text messages to loved one. The ring is beautiful. I told him it was perfect, just like him. The End.
The past is ours to keep. We can frame pieces of it up on the wall. Keep some in our wallets so that they are handy enough to bring out at any given moment. We can bury some in the backyard. Take some with us to Europe and hide them somewhere clever. Mount some on our pillows, sprinkle some into the ocean, flush some down the toilet, whatever our imagination prompts us to do. The memories give us strength, they help us trust each others eyes, scare us into never making mistakes. They are as light as the whispers and laughs we share during church meetings. They are as solid as the truth in your eyes as they gaze into mine. The memories are ours and ours alone and we may do with them as we wish. The depth of our love is impossible to find, the stories we tell are better than movies, what is in our hearts belongs in a fairy tale.
Take me with you.
Why has this thing gotten so complicated? I just wanted to be terribly vauge in a short paragraph and be off to bed. 

Every song reminds me of someone new, someone old. I am moving forward but I am not moving on. I miss you and I miss the past but the future looks o so new and fun and good. I reach out for it and it is pushed back. I will not chase it like I chased you. I am letting go of the past and I am letting go of what may be in the future. You no longer own the smallest part of me, you are the smallest part of me. Hiden but not in precious way, in a very shameful way. 
Do not forget, I'm a loner dottie, a rebel.They all knew it but it is easier to act surprised. I will explain it to you when it makes no difference, you'll apologize and I will pretend that it is all okay, but know now, it is not okay. I am not fun, I am not FUN. Hear it in your heart, count the ducks and enjoy the sky.
Im an idiot and I totally spaced FHE tonight. I wanted to go. So instead I sit here missing him, wondering if I'm in love. I have felt numb for so long I scarcely remember the feeling. I know I'm ridiculous, I just don't know how else to be....

It has truly been a spectacular year. In comparison to last year is it even better than spectacular. Well I knew it would be and here we are in the middle of it. Although it hardly feels like the middle but more like the end. The holidays always fly by us and I wouldn't have it any other way. Move along like Raych's hottie says. I'm addicted to watching music videos. Good ones not lame one that are on all the time like that stupid Christina Aguilera one. If I have to watch that one more time I will hunt her down and slap her. However I don't see why I would have to watch that considering I have the remote control so I am not anticipating that any time soon. The real reason I was updating was to upload pictures of the dresses Raych and I tried on so that Luisa could see them and maybe pick one she would wear but I have now decided against this. It would ruin the surprise. Very well then, how about an update. For those of you that don't know or maybe even for me when I look back at these entries, I have recently moved to Arizona. I would post my new address but the last time I did that I had so many care packages it was absurd and some of them were questionable as far as decency so I won't be taking that bullet so if you wish to have simply let me know. So I'm in AZ 'cause I got a job offer and I decided to take it. That is all. O and yes I still plan on pursuing school. Probably over the internet at UTEP until I can go to school here without having to pay out of state tuition. School is expensive enough! I think I covered most of the question I get asked daily. Not that I'm doing this so that will stop becausen it won't but it's all good. I recently got an Xterra. Ben you can ride with me any day! lol I love it even though I'm not too fond of the color. I figure it will grow on me. And last and probably least, I am in love with Justin Pierre, we are engaged and the wedding is next spring. See you there.

"You want a donut?" lol Some girl just stuck her head out of her office and asked that in a very funny voice. Idea of the year: Love is real and it sucks.  I had nice conversation with a date about love. I think I scared him because he would not voice his opinion or perhaps he didn't have one. The only thing he said is that we have control over it and I disagreed. I said it is out of our hands almost completely. That is why it is so detrimental to our lives. I believe I lost him at "detrimental" I went on to say that it takes over you like a plague on your soul and you're bound by its penetrated feeling. I have said it before and I will say it again, "Above all things I believe in love, love lifts us up where we belong, all you need is love" I find this most true but in most cases love is the last thing we need. It lifts us up beyond where we should be leaving us alone and desolate. I want no part in it. I want so badly not to believe in it because if you don't believe it then it doesn't exist. But it exist it alright, and it is more powerful than armed forces.
I stood there as he sang your song. Everyone but he and I disappeared and I felt more lonely than I have ever known. I was lonely for you. I pictured you coming up behind me. We hugged and everything fell into place. It was us and you knew it too. The next band came on as my cleansing rain. As the abrupt slap of realization. I pictured you five feet away. With her. I went up to you with two drinks, extended you one and said, "two us" in the form of a question. You looked at me and then to her. I took both drinks in, looked at you with tears in my eyes and walked away. The last band came on and you were gone. I sang as loud as I could and still you could not hear me.  I left the venue. The cold from the outside was warming to the cold within.
He said he can't be there for me. I cried. I cried hard and I was glad because I felt for that moment more close to him that I have felt in a long time. It seems easy to discern truth. No one should interpret my dreams, only me. He left me standing alone. I wouldn't have it any other way. I only lie to myself. If you're laughing now I will know. I won't be there to hear your apology, if it ever comes. If you're dying inside as I am now, I will be waiting.
He said he was sorry in a very unapologetic way. Earth to idiocy I don't believe you. You can make me laugh but you can't make me smile. Walls are built high and you're offense is weaker than your will. With options crawling out your rim you're more cornered than an imprisoned man. I have no problem with your lies just your face.

Quote: "We accept the love we believe we deserve"

From: The Perks Of Being A Wallflower Thanks for the book Irene, I just finished the first chapter. It's a bit odd but I like it.



Well it's been a good week. On Monday we played human foosball for FHE. My team did so good even when the guys on the other team were cheating like crazy. Afterwards we played soccer. I suddenly love sports. Mark and I have a tournament going on and so far I've beat him at pool, speed, and ping pong, he just barely beat me at foosball and whooped me at chess. Swim class is so much fun. I'm getting better at it and we are diving now so that rocks. This frat boy in my that class invited me to a frat party. I actually wanted to go because I've always wanted to go to a frat party and he said it was his birthday. He's okay looking. Of course I didn't end up going, it's not the kind of atmosphere I want to be around. Instead I went ice skating at Grapevine Mills Mall. That is so much fun. It's the second time I've gone since I've been here and I'm getting better at it. I fell once but only because I was skating on one foot, all cool style with my other leg way high, and Mark pushed me. We watched Along Came Polly and apparently everyone thought I was like Polly Prince. Not the first time I've heard that and yeah, in some ways I suppose I am. I'm enrolled in three institute classes so I'm there all the time. I like it lots and it makes me not want to get a job ever again. Or at least not for this semester. We shall see. I saw Brokeback Mountain. BAD IDEA. I enjoyed a lot of concepts in the movie but over all I completely hated it. It was worse since the guy I went with kept squirming in his seat, sighing loudly and making all kinds of fuss about it. Annapolis on the other hand is such a good movie. It reminded me of Derick since he's hot and in the Navy. I miss him. That guy James Franco is so hot. He's also in Tristan+Isolde and I loved him in both. I don't think I ever gave my review for Tristan+Isolde. It is a great movie and a great example of why love bites. Brokeback Mountain is also an example of that. OKay IRene is on the phone so the end.

Or is he just a liar, with nothing to lie about?